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Speakeasy Brewmaster's Micro Brew Beer Ratings:

Note of Disclaimer: Reviews are on a weighted average. As such, reviews are subject to each brewmaster's opinion, palate, and timing of the tasting. We could have tasted it first, or after a substantial number of pints. Other factors may creep their way into play, such as the seasons, the moons gravitational pull, star alignment, or a recent Eagles loss. A major factor could be our overall mood and attitude due to work, personal or family influences of the day or the wife's receptiveness the night before.


These ratings are to allow our fans the ability to choose a beer they want to imbibe due to the astute knowledge, unchallenged power, overwhelming intellect, unwavering and candid opinions, and overall manhood of the Speakeasy Brewmaster's. Beer speaks and men mumble. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder!


The Ratings are between 1 and 10. A 10 would be the highest of honors to be bestowed upon any Micro Brewery and their beer. These ratings are subject to change without any preliminary notion or foreseen common-sense reason. We Brewmaster's reserve the right to change our mind or adjust the rating system at any time for any self- indulged reason.


In No Particular Order:

Lagunitas - Wilco Tango Foxtrot Ale

A Red/Black/Brown Fight the Power Ale (Petaluma, CA)

Well hopped, not over topped. A complex taste profile without harsh bitterness. It appears to us to be brewed in retaliation and scourge for "someone" or "something" that challenged their being and existence. A cunning example of creativity under repulsion.
Rating = 7.50

Allagash - Black

A Black Belgian Style Stout (Portland, ME)

Smooth, elegant Belgian style with a reliable mouth feel. Plenty of flavor profile. It tempts and persuades you to drink more and yet differs from most stout styles. The black color intrigues and deceives - it delivers with a subtle light vision of cloudy espionage. It's a crafty creature from the black lagoon.
Rating = 8.50

Green FlashBreweing

Double Stout Black Ale (San Diego, CA)

Big and bold like a heavy-weight MMA fight. A true stout stance and posture. Big, creamy, and sweet. A sweet effort that falls short - like a rookie Chocolatier trying to compete with Hershey. Non-descript, unproductive and aloof, like brass knuckles on a 2 fingered shop teacher.
Rating = 5.50

Goose Island - Matilda

A Belgian Style Ale (Chicago, IL)

True to the style. It is sweet and robust but not overdone or overwhelming. Delivers a dry, crisp finish. Good drinking - could use a "wow" factor. It's shrewd and proud, and leaves you thinking "what is it that makes me want more." It's the old girl friend you can't remove, and you're not sure why, from your hidden black book.
Rating = 6.75

Green Flash Brewing - Hop Head Red

A Red Ale with Dry Hopping (San Diego, CA)

A hoppy red velvet cake. Smooth, nicely carbonated and very drinkable. It's a nice red ale. And where most red heads fall short of knowing who they are and what they want to be, this red head knows how to get it done. The dry hopping and hop varieties entice and intrigue, like the memory of young love pleasures. This red head deserves a 2nd and 3rd date - don't kick her to the curb.
Rating = 8

Lagunitas - Lucky 13

An Auburn Anniversary Ale (Petaluma, CA)

Bready and earthy malts with complex flavor reactions and explosions. Light in color - big in belt. It's an experience, a celebration of the finer reasons for and the drinking of beer. It's manly and does not use moisturizer, wear pink or understand light beer. It's a celebration of slur. It can take you from 0 to mumble in 4 pints. A sneaky hound dog.
Rating = 7.75

Yuengling Lager

A Dark Commercial Lager (Pottsville, PA)

A flagship beer. Off-flavored and green bottled to let the light in. Tastes like Fredericksburg Sewer sludge. It can cleanse your palate for the next micro brew. It works to remove rust. Best used to unclog drains in your house. Just goes to show you that being the oldest - can just mean you're old.
Rating = 2

Ballast Point - Tongue Buckler

Imperial Red Ale (San Diego, CA)

A Malty effervescence of Piney Pirate Scallywag Hops. It truly makes your tongue buckle and your face pucker like a woman biting a lime after Tequila shot. It's a red ale on hops steroids.
Rating = 7.25

Stone Vertical Epic 12/12/12

Dark Abbey Ale (Escondido, CA)

Looks like cola and smells like Christmas in a pint glass. Spiced to infinity and beyond. It's an outer space blast of clove and nutmeg. With The Vertical - you'll never be horizontal. The Mayans had 12/21/12 wrong and the Epic 12/12/12 is just wrong.
Rating = 3.50

Atwater Brewery - Dirty Blonde

Blonde Ale (Detroit, MI)

Looks like apple juice taste like water with 3.5% ABV. A cool, sexy label - uncool, fat-chick taste. The Dirty Blonde is a light mess. We still have 6 - anyone want them for free!
Rating = 3.50

Ballast Point Sculpin IPA

IPA (San Diego, CA)

Tastes like a hopped fruit festival. A clean, crisp catapult of tongue pleasures. A hematoma of hops and fruit flavor combinations. Like the Sculpin fish - it's unique and intriguing. It forces you to take one more sip... oh who are we kidding guzzle.
Rating = 7.25

Bell's Brewery - Two Hearted Ale

IPA (Comstock, MI)

A solid American malted beer. Citrus hops eruption. A good session beer with friends on a Wednesday afternoon brew, or a weekend work detail at deer camp. It's a UP excursion. This beer is a catalyst for solving world issues with fermented knowledge.
Rating = 7.75

Troegs - Perpetual IPA

Hoppy IPA (Hershey, PA)

A hammer to the throat explosion of hop excellence. A ballsy elixir of balanced malts and hop intensity. It's a caveman principled "club and drag" offering of hopped back intenseness. Crazy wicked primal hop combos. A provincial proud offering. Reminiscent of familiar cleavage at your favorite collegiate bar.
Rating = 8.50

Ommegang - Three Philosophers

Belgian Style Blended Ale (Cooperstown, NY)

A philosophical high alcohol popped cherry release. Rich royal Belgian malts. Complex as a Corliss steam engine. Warms and bolsters your internals like a St. Bernard rescue dog. Pontificate!
Rating = 8.00

Southern Tier

IPA (Lake Wood, NY)

The brewers researched the colonial IPA style and added just enough hops to make the long journey to your pint glass. 4 basic hops and 4 basic malts of normalcy. An American IPA - as American as early western settlers peering across the amber waves of grain. The Star-Spangled-Union-Jack of IPAs.
Rating = 8.00

Ballast Point - Tongue Buckler

Imperial Red Ale (San Diego, CA)

A Malty effervescence of Piney Pirate Scallywag Hops. It truly makes your tongue buckle and your face pucker like a woman biting a lime after Tequila shot. It's a red ale on hops steroids.
Rating = 7.25

Stone Vertical Epic 12/12/12

Dark Abbey Ale (Escondido, CA)

Looks like cola and smells like Christmas in a pint glass. Spiced to infinity and beyond. It's an outer space blast of clove and nutmeg. With The Vertical - you'll never be horizontal. The Mayans had 12/21/12 wrong and the Epic 12/12/12 is just wrong.
Rating = 3.50

Brewery - Dirty Blonde

Blonde Ale (Detroit, MI)

Looks like apple juice taste like water with 3.5% ABV. A cool, sexy label - uncool, fat-chick taste. The Dirty Blonde is a light mess. We still have 6 - anyone want them for free!
Rating = 3.50

Ballast Point Sculpin IPA

IPA (San Diego, CA)

Tastes like a hopped fruit festival. A clean, crisp catapult of tongue pleasures. A hematoma of hops and fruit flavor combinations. Like the Sculpin fish - it's unique and intriguing. It forces you to take one more sip...... oh who are we kidding guzzle.
Rating = 7.25

Bell's Brewery - Two Hearted Ale

IPA (Comstock, MI)

A solid American malted beer. Citrus hops eruption. A good session beer with friends on a Wednesday afternoon brew, or a weekend work detail at deer camp. It's a UP excursion. This beer is a catalyst for solving world issues with fermented knowledge.
Rating = 7.75

Troegs - Perpetual IPA

Hoppy IPA (Hershey, PA)

A hammer to the throat explosion of hop excellence. A ballsy elixir of balanced malts and hop intensity. It's a caveman principled "club and drag" offering of hopped back intenseness. Crazy wicked primal hop combos. A provincial proud offering. Reminiscent of familiar cleavage at your favorite collegiate bar.
Rating = 8.50

Ommegang - Three Philosophers

Belgian Style Blended Ale (Cooperstown, NY)

A philosophical high alcohol popped cherry release. Rich royal Belgian malts. Complex as a Corliss steam engine. Warms and bolsters your internals like a St. Bernard rescue dog. Pontificate!
Rating = 8.00

Southern Tier

IPA (Lake Wood, NY)

The brewers researched the colonial IPA style and added just enough hops to make the long journey to your pint glass. 4 basic hops and 4 basic malts of normalcy. An American IPA - as American as early western settlers peering across the amber waves of grain. The Star-Spangled-Union-Jack of IPAs.
Rating = 8.00

DuClaw Brewing - Sweet Baby Jesus

Chocolate Peanut Butter Porter (Abingdon, MD)

It's a robust porter with a dry finish and kinetic mouth-feel. It reminds you of an Oompa Loompa tour through Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory. A subdued porter; like a candy armed sissy toss. Needs more pop, like a 90 MPH fastball hitting the leather of the catcher's mitt. Sweet baby chocolate euphoria - but it doesn't exclaim the name of Jesus.
Rating = 6.25

Magic Hat - Heart of Darkness

Stout (South Burlington, VT)

Chaotic chemistry & blind faith combined to make a pungent stout. A 3/4 pint ticket to a spiraling Black Hole. The Back Lab of stouts; steady, loyal, faithful - yet youthfully high-spirited. Distinctive and common at the same time.
Rating = 6.75

Terrapin

W-n-B Coffee Oatmeal Imperial Stout (Athens, GA)

A Wake-n-Bake, Why not Beer breakfast brew. Grab a spatula and a pint glass, my friends. The roster crows, coffee percolates and you taste the 1st spoon of oatmeal when it dawns on you; you can't drink all day, if you don't start in the morning. An AED difib jolt of jittery java infused malts.
Rating = 7.00

Coronado Brewing Company

Islander IPA (Coronado, CA)

A citrus bursting awakening. The vision of a mango on a deserted island. Tropical illusions. A balanced IPA like a tight rope walker across the Santa Monica Pier. Refreshing and crisp - but missing the pop and bang.
Rating = 6.75

Orval

Trappist Ale (Orval)

Soda like carbonation. Unique Belgian yeast producing peculiar flavor esters. Light in color - light in flavor profile for a Belgian style. Clean finish like a Belgian women right out of the shower. A light shadowed figure.
Rating = 7.50

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